2013 – What lies ahead??

Thought it was time to do an update and let everyone know where things stand as I know we have been somewhat “dark” the past few weeks, if not entire month of December. Let me start by saying continued thanks for all of the encouraging emails, text messages, Facebook posts, phone calls and voice mail messages. I know I have been remise in not responding as most days, I just don’t have the energy. But do know that Ed and I read and/or listen to every message and continue to appreciate the encouragement, thoughts and prayers that are being sent our way. The holiday season was particularly difficult this time around, and your thoughts and warmth are what helped get us through the days.

When I last blogged, things were certainly on a steady decline and immediately after I posted the blog, things actually got acutely worse. We experienced what I now know is a “pain crisis” where Ed was in a tremendous amount of pain that we could not get under control with his then current dosing of medications. It was a horrendous thing to see him go through and frankly, we both thought, and maybe even hoped, things were coming to an end.  In the following weeks, we worked on keeping the pain under control, experienced a “nausea crisis” which we worked to get under control, all the while Ed slept an incredible amount, ate very little, and lost a tremendous amount of weight.

We had to postpone the radiation treatment that I had last written about as Ed could not get out of bed to go to the hospital. Once we cleared the “pain crisis” he was able, barely, but he saw it as a means to an end. Get out of bed, get the radiation, and with any luck some of the pain would be alleviated. It was a hard trip. He was incredibly weak. I had to wheelchair him everywhere in the hospital and up his pain meds to keep him comfortable. I never thought in my wildest dreams (or nightmares) that my husband, my strong, brilliant, handsome husband would ever physically and emotionally need me so much for even the basic of things, a list I will not include here. We spoke with the doctor after the treatment and asked him very frankly – “how much time do we have”? His response, “Do you really want to know”? It’s a double edged sword with this one, but sometimes dealing with some certainties is easier than the not knowing and with our acknowledgement that yes, in fact we were ready to hear the worst, he responded. “We can never be certain with these types of things, but I would say not past the first of the year”.  I don’t think either of us were surprised by this, but had hoped to hear something different. Now that we had this information, we really didn’t know what to do with it.

So we went home and just continued on our days as we had taking one day at a time trying to adjust to a “new normal” on a daily basis. We didn’t know what each day would bring, but usually it was filled with darkness. Dark rooms for sleep, dark thoughts of the future, and dark skies as the weather was about as appropriate as the mood. Seattle in December is a fairly depressive place with dark skies and tons of rain. The days were not good by any means as we all felt it; waiting for the inevitable to happen.

Christmas came and went and the day after Christmas was a particularly low point for Ed. I won’t go into the details, as it is too personal, but it was low. We stayed up late talking about a lot of different things; everything and nothing all at the same time. And the next day came, and I’m not sure what happened, but he actually had more energy. He looked stronger in a sense, and was able to get around a bit better than in days past. And he was hungry, something he hadn’t really felt in days. Friday came and he was even better, and by Saturday, he wanted to go outside for a walk and get some fresh air. Oh and I can’t forget this; our very good friend and neighbor Tim is remodeling his master bathroom to accommodate a new Jacuzzi tub for his wife. Well guess who NEEDED to get his $.02 in on that?? The one that two days prior was at his lowest was now climbing flights of stairs to give consultation on a bathroom remodel :-) It was a good day!

We continue to take one day at a time measuring each day as a good day, moderate day, so-so day or whatever words we need to describe it. We are seeing a new pattern of what normal looks like measured by pain (which has been under very good control with his current level of meds) as well as nausea, which he still experiences, but we are getting better at knowing how to treat it quickly. Since December 26, we’ve experienced mostly moderate to good days which have included fairly good eating, less sleeping, more walking, and most importantly talking, sharing and laughing. All of which, I am so incredibly thankful for each and every second of every hour of every day. There could be any number of reasons he is rebounding in a positive direction, but frankly, I don’t care why. It could be the radiation, it could be certain drugs he is taking, it could be that mentally, he is less depressed and more positive. Perhaps the power of all of your prayers and thoughts continue to lift up our family in ways that can’t be explained. I don’t know. I don’t care. He is still here. And that is all that matters. He has once again beaten the odds making it past the first of the year, and frankly, not seeming like the end is anytime near. We are both realistic in knowing he won’t get better, but for whatever reason, each day he seems better and better. We are not “waiting” for the inevitable, rather just going with what each moment brings us.

As always, thanks for “listening” :-) Until next time, peace, love, and continued hope for the future.

XOXOXO

Tracey and Ed

4 Responses to 2013 – What lies ahead??

  • CAZigmund says:

    You are both incredible individuals who show the rest of us what the human spirit can accomplish. and by the way, it’s just as dark and dreary here in northeastern wisconsin (but with snow instead of rain).

  • John Blackburn
    John Blackburn says:

    The two of you have had more strength together through this than most people will ever share in a life time, we will continue to pray and beleive that ed will improve in healing and strength every day, i wish we could do more,
    love you both
    john and sharon

  • Chris Wellington says:

    This is great news! I am still very proud of how strong you two have BEEN throughout this event. All of us here in IL. are still pulling for you two. WE also still believe you will pull through this! Hang in there and keep fighting!

  • sharmac52
    sharmac52 says:

    Ed and tracey, My heart and prayers are with you and your family daily. you are both amazing people and i know how much strength it takes to go through something like this. keep smiling as much as you can and love each other always. i love you both and your family and our huge family all over.

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